64 Tips for Coping
with Grief at the Holidays
Back in the beginning of October I made this
random list of 64 things I wish someone had told me about grief.
We got approximately a zillion amazing comments with the things you wish
someone had told you about grief to add to the list. With December upon us,
your amazing comments have inspired me to make another list. This time about
holiday grief, in hopes that we may get a zillion more comments with your
thoughts and suggestions for dealing with grief at the holidays.
So here it is – 64 pro-tips for coping with
grief at the holidays. Why 64 things? Eh, why not 64 things?
Take some. Leave some. Love some. Hate Some. Then tell us what has
worked for you in holidays past, or how you plan to cope with the holidays this
year. Because the holidays are tough for all of us, the least we can do
are share our tips and tricks with one another to make the season just a smidge
more tolerable.
1.
Acknowledge that the
holidays will be different and they will be tough.
2.
Decide which
traditions you want to keep.
3.
Decide which
traditions you want to change.
4.
Create a new
tradition in memory of your loved one.
5.
Decide where you want
to spend the holidays – you may want to switch up the location, or it may be of
comfort to keep it the same. Either way, make a conscious decision about
location.
7.
Remember that not
everyone will be grieving the same way you are grieving.
8.
Remember that the way
others will want to spend the holiday may not match how you want to spend the
holiday.
10.
Light a candle in your
home in memory of the person you’ve lost.
12.
Be honest. Tell people
what you DO want to do for the holidays and what you DON’T want to do.
13.
Make a donation to a
charity that was important to your loved one in their name.
14.
Buy a gift you would
have given to your loved one and donate it to a local charity.
15.
If you are feeling
really ambitious, adopt a family in memory of your loved one. This can
often be done through a church, salvation army, or good will.
17.
Pick a few special
items that belonged to your loved one and gift them to friends or family who
will appreciate them.
18.
Make a memorial
ornament, wreath, or other decoration in honor of your loved one.
20.
Send a holiday card to
friends of your loved one who you may regret having lost touch with.
21.
Visit your loved one’s grave site and leave a grave blanket, wreath, poinsettia, or other meaningful holiday item.
22.
Play your loved one’s
favorite holiday music.
23.
If your loved one
hated holiday music, that’s okay! Play whatever music they loved.
25.
Skip holiday events if
you are in holiday overload.
26.
Don’t feel guilty
about skipping events if you are in holiday overload!
28.
Pull out old photo
albums and spend some time on the holiday looking at photos.
31.
Leave an empty seat at
the holiday table in memory of your loved one.
32.
If leaving an empty
seat is too depressing, invite someone who doesn’t have family to spend the
holiday with.
33.
Don’t send holiday
cards this year if it is too sad or overwhelming.
34.
Don’t feel guilty
about not sending holiday cards!
36.
Skip or minimize
gifts. After a death, material things can seem less meaningful and the
mall can seem especially stressful. Talk as a family and decide whether
you truly want to exchange gifts this year.
37.
Put out a photo table
with photos of your loved one at holiday celebrations in the past.
38.
Go to a grief
group. When everyone looks so gosh-darn filled with holiday cheer,
sometimes it is helpful to talk with others who are struggling.
39.
Skip (or minimize) the
decorations if they are too much this year. Don’t worry, you’ll see
plenty of decorations outside your house.
40.
Don’t feel guilty if
you skip or minimize the decorations!
42.
Volunteer in your
loved one’s memory.
43.
Let your
perfectionism go. If you always have the perfect tree, perfectly wrapped
gifts, and perfect table, accept that this year may not be perfect and that is
a-okay. I know this is easier said than done for you type-As, but give it
a try.
44.
Ignore people who want
to tell you what you “should” do for the holiday. Listen to yourself,
trust yourself, communicate with your family, and do what works for you.
45.
Seek gratitude.
I am the queen of holiday funks, so I know this is tough. But try to find
one daily gratitude throughout the holiday season. Write it down,
photograph it, share it on facebook. Whatever. Just look for the
little things. Here are some tips if you’re struggling with it.
46.
Watch the food.
Food can make us feel better in the short term (damn you, dopamine!) until we
feel like crap later that we ate that whole tin of holiday cookies. Don’t
deprive yourself, but be careful that you don’t let food become your holiday
comfort.
48.
If you are
stressed about making the holiday dinner, ask someone else to cook or buy
dinner this year.
49.
If you are stressed
about the crowds at the mall, cut back on gifts or do your shopping online.
50.
Splurge on a gift for
you. Grief can make us feel a little entitled and self-involved, and that is
okay sometimes (within reason, of course). Splurge on a holiday gift for
yourself this year, And make it a good one!
51.
Say yes to help.
There will be people who want to help and may offer their support. Take
them up on their offers.
52.
Ask for help. If
people aren’t offering, ask. This can be super-hard if it isn’t your
style, but it is important. Asking others to help with cooking, shopping,
or decorating can be a big relief.
53.
Have a moment of
silence during your holiday prayer or toast in memory of your loved one.
54.
Donate a holiday meal
to a family in need through a local church, salvation army, or department of
social services.
56.
Make some quiet time
for yourself. The holidays can be hectic, make quiet time for yourself to
journal, meditate, listen to music, etc.
59.
Donate altar flowers
or other holiday decorations at your place of worship in memory of your loved
one.
60.
Prioritize and don’t
overcommit. When the holidays are filled with so many parties, dinners,
and events, save your energy for those that are most important. Look at
everything you have to do and rank them in order of importance. Plan for
the most important and skip the rest.
61.
Make a list and check
it twice. Grief makes it harder for us to concentrate and remember
things. When you have a lot going on at the holidays, make a list even if
you aren’t usually a list-maker, and write things on the calendar.
62.
Skip it.
Really. If you just can’t face the holiday it is okay to take a break
this year. Before you get to this extreme, consider if you could just
simplify your holiday. If you do skip, still make a plan. Decide if
you will still see friends or family, go see a new movie, or make another plan.
63.
Enjoy yourself! The
holidays will be tough, but there will also be love and joy.
64.
Remember, it is okay
to be happy – this doesn’t diminish how much you love and miss the person who
isn’t there this holiday. Don’t feel guilty for the joy you do find this
holiday season.
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