46 Things Not to Say To A
Grieving Parent
Due to the
level of trauma, individual fear, lack of social understanding and society’s
phobia about and denial of death, most people do not know how to support
another human being in grief. Parental bereavement is a life experience that
cannot be conceptualized without first hand exposure. Therefore, friends, family,
coworkers and others comforting the bereaved parent are at a significant
disadvantage in knowing how to effectively support their loss. Although there
is no right comment to articulate to the bereaved parent, it is well known what
comments are damaging to those who are suffering this life changing devastation.
The
following is a listing of some of the most common statements expressed to
bereaved parents, that, unbeknown to the supporter, are extremely distressing
for that bereaved parent to hear.
The Philosophical:
1. Time
heals all wounds. (or time will heal you)
The death of
a child leaves a permanent hole in a parent’s heart and it takes a life time to
learn to live with the hole and without their child. As alcoholics/addicts are
never considered “recovered,” neither are bereaved parents.
2. There
must be a reason he/she died so young, so early, suddenly, etc.
That may be
true but the unbelievable pain will not allow a parent to contemplate that
possibility and life seems beyond reason at this point.
3.
Everything happens for a reason.
Again, this
is true from a spiritual perspective but a parent cannot think at this level
until much further in the grieving process.
The Religious/Spiritual:
4. He/she is
in a better place.
On a
spiritual level this is true but from a parent’s perspective, in early grief,
their pain says their child needs to be with them.
5. God
needed him/her.
6. He/she
was needed in heaven.
7. God had
bigger plans for him/her.
8. You
should be happy he/she is with God.
And for some
reason I (the parent) didn’t?
9. God takes
only the good ones, the best, the special ones, the pretty ones, the best ones,
etc.
Even sideway
compliments are hurtful when the pain of loss is so excruciating.
10. God
needed another angel.
Our
suffering will not allow parents to think beyond the pain.
11. It’s
God’s will.
Grieving
parents may not be able to compartmentalize this theory at this point and may
be experiencing anger at God for creating this situation.
12. God
won’t give us more than we can handle.
This pain is
not comparable to any other life experience and not only do others not
understand but the bereaved parent is unsure as to whether they will be able to
handle this level of pain.
13. God needed him more than you
did.”
14.She’s a flower in God’s Garden.”
15.He’s in a better place now.”
The Obnoxious:
17. You’ll
get over it.
A child’s
death is something a parent never “gets over.” One only learns to live with the
pain and live differently.
18. You’ll
be back to your old self soon.
A parent who
has experienced the death of a child will never be the same as they were before
that loss. A parent changes in every conceivable way and parts of their
previous life dies with the child.
19. He/she
wouldn’t want you to be sad.
If one has
not experienced the death of a child there is no way to understand what a
parent feels. Further, no one knows what a deceased child would want for their
parent.
20. It’s not
like he/she was your only child.
21. You
still have other children.
22. You can
still have more children.
Children are
not interchangeable. We love our children individually and each is not
replaceable.
23. This too
shall pass.
No, it will
not. It will take a life time to move through this grief.
24. You need
to move on.
The speaker
has no idea of the magnitude of the loss. Grief is a process and one needs to
address their entire being: spiritually, emotionally, behaviorally,
cognitively, physiologically, socially, relationally, etc.
24. You will
be able to move on and teach others about your pain.
Although
this may be true in the future, it is difficult to imagine not feeling this
pain and doing anything else with it in early grief.
26. Don’t
let this consume you.
Grief over
the death of a child does consume a parent and it seems like a very long time
before a parent feels in control of their life again.
27. Do you
still miss him/her?
This was
their child and they have to live the rest of their lives without him/her. As
long as they are gone, they will miss them.
28. This
will make you stronger.
Bereaved
parents don’t want to be stronger. They want their child back.
29. I know
how you feel; I lost my grandmother, uncle, mother/father, and pet.
Parental
grief cannot be compared to any other relationship loss. The inexperienced
cannot understand that the parent loses not only their child and that
relationship but also a major part of themselves.
·
Claiming to Know How the Bereaved Person
Feels
30. I know how you feel about the
death of your child.
2. On the same day that my child
died, my friend told me that I knew how I felt because his dog had died after a
long illness.”
31. These kinds of remarks often seem to trivialize or dismiss the mourner’s
problems. Ironically, such comments are more likely to be made by
relatives and close friends than by strangers or casual acquaintances. Perhaps
those closest to the mourner feel more comfortable offering advice.
· Giving Unsolicited Advice
32.Now that your child is gone,
you should consider getting a dog. They’re wonderful companions.”
33.You should not be going out to the cemetery every day.”
·
Avoidance
34.One woman whose child was
murdered indicated that people avoided her at the supermarket. This was
so painful to her that she drove to the next town to do her grocery
shopping.
As another mother explained after the death of her daughter, “I feel like I
have the plague.” Therapist Therese Rando has noted that bereaved parents
are the most stigmatized and avoided because their loss represents the worst
fears of others.
·
Conversational
Avoidance
35.I needed to talk about what
happened to my husband, but when I brought it up to my closest friend for the
second time, she became visibly annoyed. ‘You already told me that,’ she
said.”
36.It is so offensive when a person talks about everything except my dead son.”
·
Asking Inappropriate Questions
37.It is common for people to
blurt out questions that cause distress for survivors. They may ask for
details about the death (“How badly was the car damaged? How fast was
your son driving at the time?”); about money (“How are you going to spend all
of that insurance money”); or about the loved one’s possessions (“What are you
going to do with his tools?”)
· Derogating or Blaming the Bereaved or the Deceased
38.A woman whose child was killed
in a motor vehicle crash indicated that she was called an “unfit mother”
because she let her young children ride with a seventeen-year-old aunt.
39.A woman’s husband was killed while riding a motorcycle. She noted
that, “My husband was killed shortly after we moved to Chicago. Several
people suggested that I should not have moved the family to that area.”
·
Offering Platitudes
40."Time heals all wounds.”
41.“You have so much to be thankful for.”
42.“It’s time for you to move on.”
·
Minimizing the Problem
43.“It was only a baby you didn’t
know.”
44. “You can always have another one.”
45.“You had many good years
together.”
46.“At least he’s not a
vegetable.”
What helps:
1. Say the
child’s name.
2. Say “I’m
sorry.”
3. Give
unexpected gifts to the family, to the other children, offer to run errands,
shop, take kids to school, bring food, and demonstrate to the family that you
care with your actions.
4. Call the
parents to give them someone to talk to.
5. Don’t
compare your loss as it does not compare to the loss of a child.
6. Say
“there are no words for me to say to you.”
7. Say “I
cannot imagine what you must be feeling.”
8. Be silent
and listen to the parent.
9. Research
support groups and give this information to the bereaved parents.
10. Remember
the child and mention them at holidays, family gatherings, their birthday,
their death date and other occasions.
11. Create
ways to memorialize/honor the child. (Plant a tree, have a balloon release,
plan a meal honoring the child, donate to a cause, create a scrapbook or art
project, create a tradition about/for the child, email the parent when you have
a memory about the child.)
Parental
grief does not “go away” or “get better,” it just changes over time. Remember
the above and you will become a positive part of a parent’s grief journey and
not an invalidating memory during the worst time in their life.
